Rose,
The next morning, January 13, 2016, we left early for your
appointment. So many people kept reaching out to let us know they were fasting
for you. Besides the people I talked to the night before, which had been mostly
immediate family, Grandma kept getting loving texts from extended family
letting us know you were in their prayers or that they would be fasting that
day for you as well. Traffic was bad, and I had more anxiety about getting to
the appointment than the actual appointment. I really feel like everyone’s
prayers were really at work. I was unnaturally calm given the situation, and my
normal anxiety of any doctor appointment.
Finally we were called back for the ultrasound. They looked for
a long time at your heart. I was amazed at how advanced technology is. They
looked at every chamber and were able to pinpoint and listen to each valve
individually. The ultrasound technician was quiet through the whole thing, and
I had little to no idea what we were looking at. After she finished, the doctor,
Dr. Lee, came in to look at things with her. After they looked for a while, Dr.
Lee also said that he didn’t really know what was wrong. That it looked like
there were quite a few abnormalities, but that he wanted us to meet with a
pediatric cardiologist in a week.
Dr. Lee said normally there are two reasons for a birth defect:
either a construction error, meaning something was assembled incorrectly while
you were developing; or it was a blueprint error, meaning you were put together
“correctly” but the plans were wrong; usually caused by genetics. He did let us
know that because of the way the rest of your organs looked, in his opinion it
was unlikely that things were genetic. He offered us the option of doing an
amniocentesis which had a very very small risk of causing a miscarriage. We
decided that we would wait until you were born and have them do a blood test
after you were born to find out if there were genetic irregularities that had
been the cause.
I asked the doctor if he would be able to explain some of the
abnormalities he was seeing to us. He said that two of the chambers in your
heart didn’t have good segregation. When he showed me on the ultrasound, it
looked to me like there were only 3 chambers instead of 4. He let us know that
some of the valves that usually are offset were parallel in your heart. That
some walls were too thick. That blood flow in some directions was too strong
and others too weak. It was nice to know what he was seeing, but also scary to
hear this list of things that I had no idea how serious any of them were.
Dr. Lee told us that we would now need to deliver at Legacy
Emanuel Hospital. That in his opinion it was 100% likely you’d need surgery
after you were born. So they wanted us to deliver at the hospital that our
cardiologist works at. That was a little hard to hear.
As we left the doctor’s office I got a little teary as things
started to sink in a little more. I emailed my manager and asked if I could
take the rest of the day off. I just needed to process and have some time away
from things. Dad decided to go back to work and Grandma stayed with me for the
rest of the afternoon. I really can’t stress enough how, even though there was
a lot of sadness, there was so much calm I had during all of this. I know it
was the result of everyone’s prayers and faith on all our behalf. Uncle Daren
called and asked if we would like him to come by later that evening when Dad
was home and give me a blessing. I told him I really would love that.
Grandma and I decided we needed to go buy you a little pink
elephant toy that I had been keeping my eye on. It reminded me so much of my
grandma, and I knew I wanted it to be for you, from her. It was difficult for me
to look at baby clothes while we were at the store. With all the unknown of
your future I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything other than the elephant.
Grandma went home that afternoon and Dad came home shortly
after. Daren came over soon after Dad got home from work, and Daren gave the
sweetest blessing. I don’t remember much of what was said, but I sure remember
how I felt. I felt so close to you, which I hadn’t felt until this point. I
previously had been excited to be a mom, and exited to be pregnant, and excited
to meet you, but I didn’t feel like I had a connection to you as a person. I
feel like I had a lot more ability to see you as one of heavenly Fathers sweet
children, and know that he has his own plan for you.
It was a rough day, but so spiritual at the same time. I love
you so much little Rose.
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